If you are having problems in your relationship, where do you go for help?
Some couples are choosing to attend therapy sessions together where, in front of a trained professional, they air their differences and talk about what is bothering them.
This is the basis for the series Couples Therapy New Zealand. The show is a local version of America’s Couples Therapy.
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Vulnerability is on display as people open up about things they are struggling with in their relationships.
In an intimate setting akin to a therapist’s room, a couple sit across from Auckland-based registered psychotherapist Amanda Cox in the presence of a television camera.
“One of my concerns going in was that there were going to be couples who were sensationalised,” Cox says.
“But they’re not. They are normal everyday couples that I would normally see in my practice.
“They are genuine and down to earth and really wanting to do the work.
“They had varying different problems … were really vulnerable and I really admire them.”
Psychotherapist Amanda Cox hopes that viewers watching Couples Therapy, “see perhaps a bit of themselves and that there is help there if they need it.”
But what exactly is couples therapy and how does it work?
“Couples therapy is, in my view, helping each individual know what they’re like and how they are experienced by the other person,” says Cox.
“Often when couples don’t communicate about those personal things, it can become really difficult to understand where each other is coming from.
“That’s often where the communication breaks down.
“So that’s what my job is I think – to get each person in the couple to understand what they are like – and the impact they have on each other.”
Cox says there are many reasons why couples choose to take part in therapy sessions together.
Maybe someone had an affair. Maybe a couple have become more like flatmates than lovers. Maybe there are other issues affecting a relationship.
It’s no secret that becoming parents can have a big impact on a couple and how they interact.
“I think, having two children of my own, my personal experience is that it’s really hard,” says Cox.
“You’ve got two people who maybe have come from different family values in how to raise children.”
Anecdotally, engaging with a therapist is more common than it used to be. But is there still a stigma around it? Or has it completely gone?
“I wouldn’t say it’s completely gone,” says Cox.
“But having said that I think a lot of the new generation coming in are much more OK with getting help and wanting to know themselves.
“Generationally I think it’s shifted. But there is still a bit of stigma – I think especially probably with couples therapy actually.”
So what is Cox’s response to anyone who might ask, ‘Why can’t couples sort out their issues in private? Why would they need to do couples therapy?’.
“Well, the proof is in the pudding I suppose,” she says. “If it works not to come to a therapist, fine. But if it continues to not work…
“Sometimes it’s so simple. It’s just having another person in the room, there watching. Sometimes it can be just another presence.
“I think sometimes we tend to behave better when we’re being observed and, through that process, we can actually start to listen to each other.
Psychotherapist Amanda Cox says she had some concerns the couples featured in the series would be sensationalised. “But they’re not. They are normal everyday couples that I would normally see in my practice.”
“Often my job is saying, ‘How does that feel when she said that?’ or saying to the other person, ‘What did you want to say to her when she said that’ or ‘What was it like for you?’ or you’re just trying to get someone to speak so the other person can hear them.
“It’s very hard to do that and sometimes you can’t see the wood from the trees when you’re in a relationship.”
Attending a therapy session with your significant other can be tough.
Doing it while a television camera captures what unfolds is an even bigger ask. After all, these are real-life couples grappling with their own real-life issues.
When asked what she hopes people will take away from watching Couples Therapy New Zealand, Cox says: “I hope they see perhaps a bit of themselves and that there is help there if they need it.
“It’s possible to save some relationships rather than just moving on and getting into another one with the same stuff going on.
“I feel hopeful, really hopeful. I hope people will be hopeful.”
Couples Therapy, Three and Three Now from Wednesday, May 17
