Steve Stannard is a small business owner, ex-racing cyclist and former sports science professor based in Manawatū.
OPINION/SATIRE: Hi neighbour; season’s greetings!
I really should pop by for a chat, but I thought I’d go for the long-winded New Year’s letter because we don’t cross paths that often these days. Anyhow, season’s greetings to your wife and the kids too.
I’ve been meaning to tell you how much I love your new double cab ute. Blood-red with orange flame decals on the side, my favourite colour scheme.
The “Eliminator” model I guess? I was told it was a special edition named after New Zealand’s Covid response.
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How long have you had it now, a couple of months?
I see you got a bit of work done on it to raise the height. Are you parking it outside now because it doesn’t fit in the triple garage? Although I know you have a jet ski, the wife’s RAV and the Commodore SS in there, so that’s probably why you need to park across the footpath.
Hardly anyone uses footpaths these days, so no worries there mate. Anyway, as a ratepayer, you’re entitled to use the road, verge, or footpath to park your car aren’t you?
And if any little old ladies walking on the footpath wanted to get around your beast they can walk into the road. They obviously aren’t paying road user charges like you and me.
Those flared guards with the big wide tyres are pretty smart. I read somewhere they were there to make it more stable in the deep mud. Or on the beach when you are dodging those pesky families sitting under their beach umbrellas.
DAMIEN O’CARROLL
Tesla may have taken the top spot in September, but utes still lead the sales numbers year-to-date.
Bet you’re looking forward to tearing up and down some of those sand dunes over the break.
Must be great driving the beast around town where you can look down on everyone else, aye? Feeling so safe that if you were in an accident you’d be fine even if the other car was completely flattened.
I guess you don’t need to worry about where the gutter is when you park downtown for a coffee either? It certainly makes a statement when you park it right outside the cafe on Sunday mornings where you go for brunch.
I’m sure everyone admires it and of course that means that they admire you as well.
Did you get the six spotlights, bicycle rack, and kayak holder with the car or did you put them on yourself? Reeks of a man of action, which you obviously are, although I’ve not seen you actually ride a bike, or paddle a kayak yet. Got to be prepared though, aye, just in case Santa comes to the party.
Not sure about the number plate though, bro. RUNUOVA. Some sensitive soul might take a dim view of that, so you could change that to something like “MINESBIGGA”, “CO24EVA” or “ROADKILL”.
Might upset some of the greenies, but you work hard, pay tax, and deserve a big ute and number plate to suit if you want one. And the latter name is really in tune with the colour scheme.
DAVID UNWIN/Stuff
Steve Stannard owns a cafe in Palmerston North and is a former professor of Exercise Physiology at Massey University, holding degrees in agricultural science and human nutrition.
The beauty of the dual cab model is that it was designed specifically to take the kids to school in it. You know they are going to be safe during that epic one kilometre trek to the classroom from your place.
Those poor kids whose parents make them ride to school will have to give way to you that’s for sure. And your kids won’t miss class anytime soon when you drop them right at the front gate. They’ll be proud as punch being dropped off in your massive machine.
With the big tray at the back your missus will be able to get the weekly shopping done in one fell swoop! And when the boys come around for the next test match, picking up a three or four cartons is a cinch.
I’m wondering though whether it’s a work car or not? Being an accountant I guess you have to visit a few people with gravel on their driveways, so the 4×4 and 10-speed automatic gearbox will be super handy. Anyway, anyone who’s anyone has a ute as a work car because you just never know when all that grunt and grip is going to be needed.
Anyhow, all the best for the New Year. Enjoy your well-earned break and we’ll catch up for a few cans at some point.
Best, your neighbour.
PS. Seems the same mud spray has been on your ute for the last four weeks. It looks great, but let me know if you want a hand washing it off.
Steve Stannard writes a regular column for Stuff and the Manawatū Standard.
