DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I thought I was in love until last weekend, when I found out something shocking. My new man has a history that upsets me. He got a girl pregnant and refused to marry her, and she is bringing up their child. He says the child looks just like him, so it hurts him to look at the boy. He does pay child support, I’ll give him that, but he has stopped visitation, now the mother has a boyfriend.
He says, “That guy can look after him! The kid doesn’t need two fathers. It’ll just confuse him.” What do you think?
— Not Impressed, West End
Dear Not Impressed: This birth father may be feeling jealous and un-needed, now that his ex has a boyfriend. Has she given him that message, or has he just decided that’s what’s happening?
Talk to your boyfriend about his fear — about feeling like he’s lost his son to his ex-wife’s new man. Has his ex hinted at this, or has he just bowed out prematurely?
Maybe his ex wants some alone time with her new boyfriend, and this would be time for your guy to spend more time with his little son, and get closer to him.
Gently remind him of this: If possible, a child needs their birth father as a constant in their life, even if their mother is dating. This guy she’s seeing may be part of her life for a short time, or for the long haul.
Bottom line: the child needs a solid, steady father figure — one who loves him and that he can look up to. That may turn out to be his birth father, his adoptive father, his step dad, his granddad or his uncle, depending on the situation.
In these times of increasing multiple marriages, lots of kids have two father figures. As long as both men are good to the child, it can be a good thing.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I left a woman behind in another province, and I never want to see her again. Getting a divorce from her was going to be a nightmare, especially with her religious parents getting involved with it. So, one night after another horrible fight with her yelling and calling me names, I got in my truck at 2 a.m. and started driving across the country — I didn’t even pack — and ended up back home in Manitoba.
I quickly got a job through an old friend, and I live in a small place. My wife couldn’t follow me — she doesn’t have the money, nor a vehicle. We didn’t have any kids together — the one real blessing. But this morning, I got a phone call from a cousin who said my wife knows I’m in Winnipeg.
I can’t afford an expensive divorce right now, and she’s going to make my life a living hell, if I know her and her family! Should I keep moving, or what? I feel sick about this, and don’t have a lot of money saved up.
— Worried Sick, Winnipeg
Dear Worried Sick: You don’t need to start running again. This is home for you, and you can get help here. You already have a job, and a place to live. What you need now is an action plan and a divorce. Legal Aid Manitoba (legalaid.mb.ca) offers family law as part of its affordable services. Check out their website, get in touch with them and be totally honest about the problem, including your failings, and what you are afraid of transpiring. Lawyers can help you best when they know the whole story, even the parts that don’t make you look good.
Please send your questions and comments to [email protected] or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.
Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist
Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.
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