Kirstie and Phil’s show: Why buying ‘over there’ seems so weird to Kiwis

Colleen Hawkes is a senior reporter for Stuff/Homed

OPINION: Location, Location, Location has turned 20, and Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer are taking a look back at some of their more memorable house hunts in the UK.

I know this because I binged half a dozen episodes of LLL 20 Years and Counting on TVNZ+ over the weekend (it was wet). Which meant I saw 24 different house hunts and watched K&P age quickly, then get young again, over and over in the space of a single evening, and again the next night. It was fascinating trying to work out if Phil had a nose job. (Doubtful, but I digress.)

Seeing so many viewings in such a short time really hammered home the differences in house hunting in the UK versus Aotearoa New Zealand. And it wasn’t good, either way.

Buying a property in the UK is incredibly superficial, according to LLL. Not once did the words “low maintenance” cross anyone’s lips on the four shows I viewed, with umpteen house visits. Even when it was obvious a single woman was making a choice between one low- and one high-maintenance property. One was going to cost her a lot more money down the road.

And never ever did anyone query potential structural issues. Even when a vacant, semi-derelict house had evidence of extensive water damage, rot and mould – old blackened, wet wallpaper was peeling off the walls (see video above).

They were selling this country property to a young couple, and Kirstie just waved her hand and said of course they would need to do a bit of work. And the inexperienced young guy said, “nothing a sledgehammer won’t fix”. No, it’s not something a sledgehammer will fix.

Then we see Kirstie hesitate by the fence outside the house and say to Phil, something like: “I am a bit worried about this house”. And I think, great, here it comes; she is worrying about the appalling condition of this property – and weirdly, that seems to be what they want us to think.

But no. It turns out her concern is about the possibility of them missing out at the auction. My concern would have been about them putting their hand up and getting it at auction. (They missed out, lucky for them.)

Potential structural issues appear all the time on this show – evidence of leaks, rot, all sorts. They are never discussed. If a house is uninhabitable, Kirstie just says it‘s a “project”. Which begs the question, is it really cheap to fix major structural issues in the UK? Even with so many unknowns? Does it cost as much there as it does here to get a building survey? Do they also need to get hideously expensive ground engineering reports?

You never hear the words ‘code-compliant’

Kirstie and Phil are selling houses on looks and superficial potential only – Kirstie is very good at suggesting which walls to knock down to open up the interior, and where to build an extension. But there is never any discussion of rising damp or leaks when there clearly should be.

And you never hear the words “code compliant”. No-one ever questions anything people may have done or not done to the house in the past in terms of legality.

Compare that to shopping for a house back here. It’s an absolute minefield today. For starters, there’s the cladding. Is it monolithic? Will the banks loan money on it? If so, how much? Is it a leaky home? (At least UK houses are usually brick, stone or concrete. But they are not maintenance-free.)

Back here we ask what about that 20-year-old addition out the back. Is it code compliant? How about that attic room, those stairs, that new bathroom? Did they get signed off?

And what about the location? Is it on the flat? Is it likely to flood? We have to worry about that now, and if the house is on a hill, what are the odds of a landslide? Or will the water just run down the hill and straight through the house? How do you know if the property you are looking at has already been flooded three times (but not red-stickered) and someone has fixed it up and is now wanting to flip it on?

Is it close to the sea? Will we still be able to insure it in five years’ time?

It would be wonderful if all WE had to worry about was how a house looked, whether it was big enough, and its proximity to schools, train stations and pubs.

A bit of realism wouldn’t go amiss

But back to Location, Location, Location. Yes, of course it’s pure escapism and a feel-good show. But a bit of realism wouldn’t go amiss.

Kirstie can be pushy – is this also just for entertainment? Check out the cottage episode in Scotland. The town cottage she shows a young couple is exceptionally small (miniscule) and has a tiny eating area with a French door to a north-facing garden (that’s back-to-front to here of course). And Kirstie actually says: “You could open the door even in winter and get a nice breeze through.” It’s Scotland! The “nice breeze” will be snow and a howling gale from the north.

So they cross over the road to a bigger cottage that faces south out the back. It’s much nicer because the sun is pouring in, but no-one mentions this clear benefit. Some of their clients do ask for a “south-facing garden”, which should be double-speak for south-facing living rooms. And Kirstie looks annoyed at them for not liking a house that faces the complete other way.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Kirstie. She usually talks a lot of sense. I love it that she thinks washing machines in the kitchen are an appalling idea. She got slammed for saying that a few years ago. But she’s right.

What about that upstairs bar in a bedroom?

And we love to look at (but would never buy) those character houses that look impossible to live in, even if you are of average height. Sloping gabled ceilings in bedrooms that render 70% of these spaces useless, doorways you have to duck under to get through. And you have to laugh with the couple who are viewing a fourth bedroom upstairs that has been turned into a shabby bar. Who do they entertain up there?

But the worst thing has to be ill-proportioned skinny living rooms. Who wants to sit in a line to watch the TV in a room that is treated like a railway station? One client tells Phil she just can’t pinpoint what it is she doesn’t like about a particular house, despite umpteen visits. But it’s the skinny living area.

She finally settles on another house – with a square living room. Beautifully proportioned, of course.

And let’s hope that off camera all those checks and balances are done – a builder’s report for starters. You just know the banks are going to want that. Aren’t they?