DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I are in serious trouble involving sleeping together. The trouble is I can’t sleep comfortably with him, because he wants all the pillows, plus he’s a big, tall man who lurches around in our double bed in his sleep.
I’m a bit of a joker. Two nights ago I went to bed late, and when I saw “the king” had commandeered all our pillows again, I yanked a small one out, and crawled into the bed, upside down, beside him!
In the middle of the night he half-awakened, and threw his arm over to my side, to pull me in towards him to make love as he likes to do about 3 a.m. He ended up with my feet and ankles in his face! He freaked right out. I thought maybe he’d be amused in the end, but he was furious with me.
In the ensuing argument I said, “Maybe we need two beds” and he replied, “That’s won’t be necessary, with only one person left here!” Was he suggesting a breakup, God forbid? I thought we loved each other, forever. Please help.
— Can’t Sleep Together, Downtown
Dear Together: Whoa! Don’t break up, over an inadequate bed size. You love each other, but you need a giant bed and a pile of pillows to make this relationship successful. You could even consider a custom-made bed, with two good-sized mattresses tight within the frame. Hire a carpenter to do it. You might even get a hand-carved headboard done up by an artist, incorporating things that symbolize you both.
If this sounds like too expensive a project right now, at least get yourselves a king-size bed — and don’t forget to include something to play romantic music and some subtle bedroom lighting to add to the mood. This fight could be the beginning of something new and exciting for your relationship.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in love with my cousin’s ex-wife. I know he’s going to think I had my eyes on her when they were still married, but I didn’t. She and I have quietly started seeing each other, and people we both know are beginning to talk.
She looks like a different person now, and I’m so crazy about her, I tell her: “Let them talk!”
She was miserable in the marriage to my pushy cousin and started over-eating, putting on a fair bit of weight. But when she finally broke up with him, the pounds came off quickly, and she went back to her previous size — very beautiful.
The trouble is, my cousin’s been calling me, and I’m not taking his calls. He’s very possessive, and has no right to be, anymore.
He makes me nervous. My question is simple: Do I “owe” him a conversation, as he says in his messages? Some of them sound drunk. What should I do? I don’t think I owe him anything.
— Unwanted Calls, East Kildonan
Dear Unwanted Calls: Phoning your unstable cousin back for a conversation is not going to go well. He wants to roar at you to stay away from his wife — even though she’s freed herself from him. He already knows you’re not sorry, and not about to break up with her to appease him, but hurt, embarrassment, anger and liquor keep him dialling your number.
Protecting yourself requires telling other people — your family members and particularly your parents — who might reach out to his folks and tell them what’s going on.
Keeping these calls from him a secret could prove dangerous. His parents need to know their son’s emotional situation — that he’s suffering, drinking and acting out, and in need of outside help. Perhaps they could find a counsellor for him, and quietly pay in advance for a few sessions.
If you feel your cousin’s becoming a threat to your safety, talk to a lawyer and the police, and let those phone calls he’s making be known to them. He needs to find out people in authority are aware of his anger, and what he’s doing to express it. That may be enough to stop these calls.
Please send your questions and comments to [email protected] or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.
Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist
Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.
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