WARNING: This story is about a podcast covering topics that will be upsetting for some, including sexual assault and trauma.
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Hoe phases that start out as empowering experiences can often become deeply disempowering for many people. (File image)
The Good Sex Project is proudly brought to you by Hell Pizza.
“Enter, the hoe phase”, declares host Melody Thomas, as she unravels hookup culture in the latest episode of Stuff’s new podcast The Good Sex Project.
The theme is sex positivity and empowerment, and Thomas is chatting to South Auckland musician Pati AF who grew up a “holy girl” in the church, like a lot of Samoan kids, before kicking off her “villain era” (a Tiktok term meaning no more people-pleasing).
“I just went from zero – good girl – to like 100… posting my ass on Instagram, posting my boobs on Instagram,” Pati reveals.
According to Urban Dictionary, a “hoe phase” is “a phase in your life … “when you are fine with exploring promiscuous activities and connecting with random people”. It goes hand in hand with hook-up culture, and is something guys can enjoy too.
Abigail Dougherty/Stuff
Melody Thomas on The Good Sex Project.
“It’s inclusive, and it isn’t derogatory – a hoe phase can be a really empowering thing,” says Thomas.
But for a lot of people, it’s not.
Pati shares that slowly, her “hoe phase” started to go wrong. The sexualised images she was posting online became an expectation from her real life partners to “perform” in a certain way. She felt she was being fetishised, and what started out as an empowering experience became deeply disempowering.
“I started getting into situations which I ended up actually getting a lot of trauma from,” Pati explains.
“There were a lot of times when I was really stuck. I was dead-set on it being empowering…[but] I was dealing with a lot of terrible behaviour.”
Thomas explains how in reaching for sexual empowerment for all, we’ve missed some crucial steps along the way. Most importantly: comprehensive and nuanced conversations about consent, and the ways our culture sets young people up to access a “yes” much more readily than a “no”.
“If your idea of sexual empowerment doesn’t allow for boundaries, and taking things slow, and checking in, and treating the people you’re sleeping with care and respect – that’s not sex positivity.”
This episode of The Good Sex Project also features advice from American sex and relationship guru Dan Savage. To listen, use the audio player above or click here.
Hosted by Melody Thomas, The Good Sex Project is a co-production between Stuff and Popsock Media, and made with the support of NZ on Air. The podcast series is about good sex, good relationships, and how to have them.
Follow the show on Apple, Spotify – or any other podcast app – to get instant, automatic access to new episodes. For more content follow @goodsexproject on Instagram.
